Why hello, crazy, crazy binge. Nice to see you; it's been awhile. Now if only I could figure out WHY you are here, so I could find some alternate way to conduct those feelings and stop eating my way through the entire Boston metro area.
Seriously, thank goodness I decided awhile back to give up feeling guilty when I slip up and binge, because in my former, not-so-well-adjusted life, today would have been enough to hurl me head first onto an arc trainer for 6 hours while simultaneously lifting weights and doing squats, not to mention crying and picking apart the single lettuce leaf I felt I was allowed to eat.
Ok, I was never really THAT bad, but I suffered from some pretty bad eater's remorse in my day, and something about scarfing a Dunkin turkey/bacon/cheddar flatbread sandwich 20 minutes after leaving the dentist, only to find myself a half hour later emerging from some kind of binge-eating induced coma sitting in the driver's seat of my car, in a VA Medical Center parking lot, surrounded by crumpled up taco supreme wrappers with sour cream dripping slowly off my chin, tells me that I would have flipped out. In fact, I think I kind of *did* flip out, because I actually had a conversation with myself, OUT LOUD, as I was driving myself to work from the dentist. It went something like this:
Evil self: Muuuuahahaha. You know there's a Taco Bell right up here on the right, don't you?
CDubs: Shut up. I just ate like 20 minutes ago.
ES: Who cares? You know you're just going to stop anyway. That's what you do.
CDubs: Eff off. I'm not stopping at Taco Bell. OH! LOOK! There is goes. SEE YA, TB.
ES: HA! Nice try. There's another one right up the road.
CDubs: I'm not hungry.
ES: A chalupa sounds SO GOOD right now!
CDubs: Yes, it does. But I'm not hungry and don't want it. Why do I think a chalupa sounds good?
ES: I'm sick of your psychobabble. Must. Eat. Tacos!
CDubs: Haha, I'm winning. Can it, craving.
ES: You're going to do it anyway.
CDubs: Will not.
ES: Will too! You don't have any willpower!
CDubs: This isn't about WILLPOWER, you jerk. It's about me actually NOT wanting Taco Bell. If I really want it, I can come back out here and get it whenever it is I decide I want it. I don't give myself limits.
ES: And that's why you're fat.
CDubs: I am NOT fat. You're fat! And I'm not feeding you my negative thoughts anymore!
ES: Fat. Fat. FAT.... That Intuitive Eating thing was really working for you, huh... 15 lbs later. Fatty. Have a taco! It will make you feel better!
CDubs: No it won't. Shut up. I'm just feeling conflicted here, I have a headache, and I am feeling particularly rebellious and will probably eat TB now just to shut you up and prove I will let myself eat things when I am craving them!
ES: Bahaha... and then you'll feel guilty and I shall win and conquer your soul.
CDubs: Not true. AHHH it's coming up on the Right!
ES: You want a challluuuuupaaaa meal... yum.
CDubs: Shut it. I actually don't want anything, but I am going to eat here to fulfill some crazy need, and it won't be a chalupa. Hi. Can I please have 3 crunchy taco supremes?
ES: Fatty fatty fatty.
CDubs: Buzz off. At least I didn't order the chalupas. And I'm going to wait until I'm at work to eat them, IN PLAIN VIEW OF EVERYONE.
ES: Yeahhh right. Who are you, Johnny Hammersticks? Mr. Balloon Hands? Yeahhh right.
CDubs: Ummm.. I'm pulling into this parking lot.
ES: ""Ohhh I'm not HUNGRY; I'm not going to EAT this. Ohhh" Yeah. Way to go there, kid.
CDubs: Don't judge me.
ES: That's what I'm here for, baby!
CDubs: Yeah.. except guess what? I'M NOT GUILTY about this. I feel FINE. I'm doing something to make me feel better while I figure out what's missing. I don't feel sick now that I just inhaled three tacos... so I didn't do anything wrong. I just had a learning experience. Go to hell.
ES: You suck.
CDubs: Whatever. Go away... see you never.
ES is a real buzzkill some days, huh? Evil Self makes us want to hate ourselves for every little thing we say, think, do, don't do, eat or don't eat. It's so frustrating to put that much pressure on yourself. You know what? I ate 3 tacos. And a dunkin flat bread. The world did not end. I did not magically expand 3 sizes. I tracked it because I was curious, not because I wanted to punish myself if it turned out to be in the realm of 3000 calories. To make it better, it was around 1100 calories, and I'm still not hungry, so I can eat a light dinner because I WANT to. But I still don't know what I was feeling that made me want to eat those tacos. Probably just the headache that's been pounding for two days now, and my sore teeth.
C'est la vie. Tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes or learning experiences in it :)
