Five Rant Friday 1.31.14

The internet is full of people ripping off other people's ideas; I'm actually pretty sure that's why Al Gore invented it in the first place. If you've spent five minutes in the insanity that is "the lifestyle blog world," then you've probably heard of Five Things Friday, which is when bloggers take the opportunity to write about five completely random things that strike their fancy, which is different from what they write about every other day because guys, these are NUMBERED! In the words of my favorite curmudgeon, "computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done." -- Andy Rooney.

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Not one to miss out on a bandwagon (GO BRONCOS!), I have decided to channel Mr. Rooney and put my own little spin on this trend. Enter: Five Rant Friday. I'll probably still do Friday Confessional when I actually come up with something more interesting than, "I think Zac Efron is hot and that makes me feel like a perv," but in the meantime, here are five of the grievances I have with the world this week: 

Five Rant Friday

 

1.) Maybe I missed the memo, but when did it become a novelty for exiting riders to thank their public transit operator? I've ALWAYS made it a point to say a quick, "good morning!" or, "hi!" to my bus/T/taxi driver as I enter his or her vehicle, and a well-timed, "thank you!" as I depart. It takes, like, half a second of my day and costs nothing but two vibrations of my vocal cords, but lately I've noticed that by the drivers' reactions, you'd think these poor people had hit the freakin' appreciation lottery. Seriously, twice this week alone, I've been given the most enthusiastic, "Thank YOU and have a great night, dear!"s of my entire life from T drivers. I started observing other people as they entered and exited the train, and maybe -- MAYBE -- two out of every 15 passengers acknowledged the driver at all. I understand that we're all living in a 24/7 world, but are we really so disconnected that a simple, "hello" or "thank you" is viewed as a major coup by the recipient?

2.) I've been hearing murmurs (ok, more like enraged shouts, which is much more appropriate) that The Mindy Project is on the chopping block for Fox. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, TV PEOPLE IN CHARGE?! The part I really don't understand is how at least once or twice a week someone says, "omg do you watch Mindy? I just started and OMG LOLZ4DAYZ!" 1) DUH, of COURSE I watch Mindy; if I had a patronus it would be in her form and 2) I will bet any amount of money that if you are into dudes, you've spent time on The Googley looking up those magnificent photos of Sir Castellano and trying to figure out how you can scam one for your own home. ::crickets:: soo... just just me then? In the event that Ms. Kaling herself has stumbled upon this blog (perhaps because I incessantly tweet at her in a rabid attempt to become bffs), you're free to take that idea and run with it for merchandizing purposes. You can repay me by providing me with the original cowboy hat portrait, please and thanks. Coffee soon?

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3.) Speaking of coffee, I've been having this total first-world problem lately, wherein I can't seem to find the right amount of coffee to satisfy my morning caffeine needs without making me look like a hoot owl at 11pm. What's that saying? One isn't enough; two is too many and three isn't enough? Yeah, I'm pretty sure that relates to alcohol (or wives?) but I'm going to appropriate it for my little coffee crisis. Did I really just ramble about coffee? God, my life is so hard and complicated. I should get a gold star for existing in this horrid, horrid world. 

4.) "{verb} all of the {noun}" (see: "Feel all of the feels!" "Eat all of the foods!" "Do all of the things!") This has been cropping up all over the place and I cringe every single time I see it (including the few occasions on which I've used it because it's becoming the vernacular and hey, I'm only human). People seem to think it's cute or twee or something, but the cold, hard truth is that it's simply a lazy mode of expression. Maybe Danny grabbing Mindy and threatening to join the Mile High Club evoked an emotional response so complex that you're having trouble putting it into words -- and that's fine -- but SAY that. Going with, "DANNY MINDY OMG ALL OF THE FEELS!" is just a half-assed way of saying you don't care enough about it to try to sum it up. If you're sixteen or a software engineer or something, fine; if you're attempting to call yourself a legitimate writer, just park your ass in a chair, grab a thesaurus and stop this nonsense right now.

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5.) For the past month, half of my Facebook feed has consisted of people's FitBit statistics. Do you know what I care about even less than your calorie intake or how many steps you took today? HOW MANY TIMES YOU ROLLED OVER LAST NIGHT. Granted, I don't have one, and I'm guilty of posting gratuitous humble-brag shots of my Polar calorie burn on Instagram after a particularly good workout, but there's something really disturbing about posting the minutiae of your daily habits, via a set of colorful graphics and numbers, for the world to see (bitching about posting daily stuff no one cares about on facebook via a personal blog: irony done right). A corollary to this rant: people whose Instagram account is linked to Facebook. If I wanted to see all your artsy, filtered skies, your kid's snot rocket or comparison graphics of your weight before and after you ate breakfast, I would follow you on Instagram, BECAUSE THAT IS WHY IT EXISTS. Ugh.

TL;DR -- Say thank you to your bus drivers; watch the Mindy Project; I'm a spoiled, privileged brat with a caffeine addiction; people who post their Fitbit stats on Facebook are creepy and Instagram isn't much better, and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, grab a damned thesaurus and stop verbing all of the nouns!

This concludes this week's edition of Five Rant Friday. I'm Caitlin Rooney, and tune in next week for more of my wrath.