Maintaining Equlibrium or, Why the Word "Balance" Makes Me Want to Scream

Now is probably a good time to get all of the perfunctory holiday greetings that I so kindly skipped out of the way. Happy New Year and whatever religious-associated winter holiday you chose (or did not choose) to celebrate! I hope they were all glorious. I happen to be a Christmas celebrator myself, but that didn't limit me to accepting good will from whomever felt inclined to bestow it upon me. I wrote a whole post about that, actually, but then couldn't find just the right time to publish it. I also penned an essay entitled, "Why Rudolph is Ruining Our Children," but I never got it quite up to the standard to which I hold anything I put out on the interwebz. Then there are the  random thoughts clinging to my dashboard like half-dead bugs on a highway bumper -- for the moment, they are stuck, but I like to think that someday they'll fly again. 

Notice a trend here?

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I was really going to buckle down and focus on getting back to a steady routine of making healthy choices. I feel like a lot of people out here in blog-land spout the same philosophy when it comes to this; if I have to read, "it's really all about balance!" one more time, I'm going to stab my eyes out with a raw kale stem.

Of course, all stupid sayings come from a kernel of truth. Healthy living is all about balance, but for most of us, that includes balancing not only the basics (food, water and nutrients) but also the social norms of our society (family, friends and happy hour) with the rigors of everyday life (work, exercise and a healthy dose of sloth). Helen Fielding knew her stuff; it really does seem that as soon as one part of your life starts going ok, another falls spectacularly to pieces. It's enough to drive one crazy, and by "one", I obviously mean, "me".

So it's a work in progress, this whole "balance" thing. I will say that, as cliche as it might sound, I was happy to wipe 2011 off the metaphorical books and have a good start to 2012. Over the past few years, I've noticed that how I spend my New Year's Eve tends to mirror the overall tone of the subsequent year. On Dec. 31st, 2007, I spent the night in downtown Boston in a sequined top. 2008 was, in a word, ridiculous. Last year, we spent NYE witnessing one of my bff's nuptials in upstate VT, sequestered from the rest of the world and ringing in 2011 with a handful of close friends and a bunch of virtual strangers. Last year, I kept my good friends close, but didn't go out of my way to make new friends or keep in touch with some of the ones I already have. This year, I want to be better at that. Starting with making more of an effort to keep up with all of my blog friends!

So consider this one of the first steps toward that goal -- hello to the oldies, welcome to the newbies, and here's hoping that in 2012, we all find that elusive equilibrium: balance!

A Few of My Favorite Things: The Cinematic Holiday Edition

First off, I know what you're thinking. Yes, this IS the second post I've written quoting The Sound of Music. And not just the movie... the same song from the movie. What can I say? That tale of optimistic spinsterhood touches my miserly heart. Only Bridget Jones does it better.

Speaking of tales of optimistic spinsterhood, it's that time of year when all of my shows go on hiatus because of holiday specials and family-friendly programming. Personally, I consider Chuck Bass to be Christmas present enough, but apparently there's something about appealing to the family demographic that gets all the major networks foaming at the mouth this time of year. Tomato, tomato, I guess.

My indignation aside, there are a few holiday-themed movies that I've been known to enjoy each and every single year, and I might be guilty of spending 20 minutes any time I'm in the vicinity of a tv with onDemand scouring the listings for the first two movies on this list.

Oh, what's that, rich friend with cable? No, I'll be out of your bedroom in one sec. I thought I....dropped an earring. Under the door. From the hallway. It bounced? Oh, I'm already wearing two earrings? Uh....

Yeah. So anyway, I love a good cheesetacular ABCFamily/Lifetime holiday movie as much as the next girl (the one where Christina Milian falls into the snowglobe? Classic!). But normally, I don't really get into the whole holiday spirit until December 20th. So when I'm bah humbugging my way through early December, these are the four films/specials to which I turn in hopes of setting the holiday mood:

The Holiday

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On a very hungover Saturday, a bunch of my sorority sisters and I were in the middle of our weekly Ruby Tuesday turkey burger-and-salad-bar combo (complete with bacon bits, avocado, buckets of ranch dressing and a healthy dose of forty types of pasta salad. Did I mention I gained 55lbs after I pledged?) when someone suggested we go see the new Jude Law movie. Despite my hatred for all things The Joker Cameron Diaz, I'm not one to turn down a sexy British accent, so I tagged along to see what the fuss was all about. It was love at first viewing. Like a lot of women, I have a huge appreciation for Kate Winslet, both as an actress and as a human being. Her portrayal of a spurned lover is actually my favorite part of the movie; I can't speak for all women, but I know that I see myself in her heartbreak. Throw in Mr. Napkin Head, the idea of Jude as a sexy single father in publishing and shockingly un-annoying performances by Diaz and Jack Black, and you have yourself a holiday winner.

Love Actually

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It seems as though every year, Hollywood decides that what the public really needs is a huge ensemble romcom full of B (and C, and sometimes even D) List stars. I didn't actually see Valentine's Day, mostly because all of my friends who did see it assured me that best thing about it was "Back to December", a result of the all-too-brief Taylor/Taylor romance spawned on the set. I've seen the previews for New Year's Eve and unless some friends and I find ourselves with nothing better to see, I'm pretty sure that one's destined to be a Red Box special, as well. Love Actually, on the other hand, is a classic that I watch again and again, loving it just a little more each and every time. While the plot is totally corny, the A-team of actors that those crazy Brits assembled makes all the difference. Any time I can see Colin Firth, Hugh Grant, Liam Neeson, Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman together, I'm a happy lady. Plus, the whole dancing-down-the-stairs bit with Hugh Grant cracks me up.

A Charlie Brown Christmas

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Twenty-twoish years ago, I was the flower girl in my Aunt and Uncle's wedding. Apparently, I was a real hit at the party; from haughtily telling everyone that I was a professional who had "done this before" to catching the bouquet and roping the maid of honor into standing in for me during the awkward garter dance to decorating the getaway car, everyone seems to have some kind of story about my antics during the reception. Most notably, they remember my dance skillz. Ever the fun relatives, my Aunt and Uncle's wedding song was "Linus and Lucy", and they encouraged all members of the bridal party to join them on the floor to recreate the rehearsal scene from A Charlie Brown Christmas (I chose the side to side skip/head bob). As a grown-up and, more importantly, a perpetual cynic, I love this movie even more. Aside from serving as a reminder each year not to let myself (or my dog) "go commercial" and forget the true meaning of Christmas, those 20 minutes have provided me with my personal ethos, and I quote it on at least a weekly basis. "All I want is what I have coming to me! All I want, is my fair share!" probably echoes through Andrew's head in his sleep. Oh well.

Last, but most certainly not least,

Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol

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I know, I know -- almost no one has heard of, let alone seen, this movie, but let me assure you that it is a true holiday staple in my house. Based on the classic Dickens novella, it truly does the spirit of the story justice. Not a year has gone by that I have gone to bed on Christmas Eve without first viewing it with my Dad. Passed down from HIS dad, our appreciation of this particular special is apparently incomprehensible to "outsiders," aka Andrew and my stepmom. But without fail, Dad and I watch and laugh and smile together, singing along with the mournful tones of "A Hand For Each Hand" and shrieking our way through "The Plunderers' March" (this year, I might just bring flower petals). You can keep your Muppets, your Simpsons and your Jim Carrey; I'll take that crazy old animated coot Mr. Magoo and his Broadway play every time. With EXTRA razzleberry dressing.

Do you buy in to the whole holiday movie thing? If so, which is your favorite? And most importantly, have you seen Mr. Magoo?

Tips For Holiday Shopping: Part the First

First off, I want to wish each and every single one of the brave men and women who have and who continue to fight for our freedom here in the US a Happy Veteran's Day --- thank you so much for all that you do. My grandfather, an 88-year old World War II vet, is one of the most determined, inspiring and wise men I have ever known, and to him, I wish a particularly Happy Veteran's Day and heartfelt thank you for all that he has given to his country. We love you!

....There is no appropriate segue into the next topic, so on that note, let's just dive in.

So, as I was showering the other day and singing "Dominick the Donkey" (long story short: a homeless man had serenaded the entire green line train with it the night before... and now that you've remembered it exists, YOU try getting it out of your head), I realized that the holiday season is, crazily, almost upon us. The upsetting part here isn't that we are barely ten days into November and I am already pontificating on the true meaning of Christmas (and all other holiday seasons), but that this season inevitably brings about a minor panic attack, triggered entirely by my memories of holiday shopping hell.

You see, I worked in a major national department store from the age of 16 until I was 20. As anyone who has ever worked in retail can tell you, those four years basically qualified me for "Lifer" status -- a true honor, I assure you. I met some of my best friends and made some of my best memories at that job. In fact, I even chose it as the inspiration for my final work for my Creative Fiction class in college, aptly titled Retail Therapy. While serving my time as a credit-application shilling underling, I worked in every department but mens' suits, window dressing and catalog, including, but not limited to: shoes, stock, visual, lingerie, women's, kid's, petites, juniors, fine jewelry, fragrance, accessories and dresses. Fun fact about your author: I am qualified to fit you for both shoes and jewelry, and am also a certified bra fit specialist.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, I am a real blast at parties.

Aside from giving me the opportunity to hone these talents, my stint in retail taught me a lot about people in general. I know the prevailing thought is that nothing can teach you more about people than food service, but given my experience, I'd venture a guess that retail is a very close second... particularly around the holidays. Which is why I have taken it upon myself to offer up some tips for the upcoming holiday shopping season, from the perspective of a former retail slave employee:

- Don't bitch to the dude at the register about the Christmas music that started playing the day after Halloween. I'd be willing to wager any amount of money that the employees hate it even MORE than you do. Look, you're in the store for what, an hour, tops? Those poor saps are stuck there between four and a half and nine hours at a time, making $7/hr. Know how long that soundtrack lasts? Two hours. It's six years later and I can still sing "Frosty, the Snowman" in four different styles, including calypso. Don't even get me started on "Santa Baby." And remember: it's not Christmas music. It's Winter Holiday Sounds. 

- Trust me, I get as annoyed as you do when an item rings up at a higher price than the sign said it should, but that does not give you a license to take it out on the clerk. As a consumer, this is one of the most frustrating aspects of shopping. You get all excited over a seemingly too-good-to-be-true purchase, get to the register, and BAM! The item rings up at twice the price you expected. Quel horreur! Just remember: it isn't the sixteen year old behind the register's fault; the store has an entire stock/pricing/visual team in charge of these things. Homegirl is just trying to scrape enough pennies together to afford a really fancy date with her boyfriend. At Chili's.

- Don't assume that the creepy man selling you your shoes has a secret life as a pervert. He might just be really socially awkward, and his colleagues might be in the midst of a plot to set him up with the crotchedy old cat lady from the lingerie department (true story).

- Also, don't assume that the person behind that counter is any less intelligent and/or accomplished than you are. There is this pervasive mentality from before the dot-com bust that retail = college dropouts/teenagers/lower middle-upper lower class. In the event that you haven't read Bitter is the New Black, by my idol, Jen Lancaster (in which case, why are we even friends?), let me enlighten you: Times are tough. A lot of people lost everything when the market crashed and are now doing anything to try to make ends meet. Aside from the facts that it's the holiday season AND there is never a reason to treat anyone like shit, keep in mind that your condescending 'tude could be directed at the former head of a company who is one step away from climbing back to the top... where he could become your boss. Plus, it's just rude.

- Parents, don't threaten your kids with, "the lady is going to get mad at you" unless you want me to tell your kid he just won a free supply of  chocolate bars, then hand him a bag full of the sugary goodness left over from a previous Willy Wonka-style sale. This used to drive. me. NUTS. While adorable little Johnny is spitting in little sister Susie's face, causing her shrieks and snarls to echo throughout the cavernous walls of the store, please don't tell them to behave, "or the lady will yell at you." This rule is multiplied by infinity when it comes to you asking me to "tell him! If he doesn't behave, you're going to send all of his clothes right back to those racks!". I don't have kids for a reason, and I sure as hell am not going to discipline yours. Parent already.

There are plenty more, which I am working on compiling into a second post, but those are five of the more valuable nuggets of wisdom that I have to bestow upon my fellow holiday shoppers. I urge you to keep them in mind over the next seven weeks or so, and to remember to treat others as you would want to be treated. Which is why I am now going to leave you with a little something that someone recently left me.



Hee-haw! Hee-haw!