Friday Confessional: Ode to Oats

Ok, let's cut to the chase. It's Friday. On Fridays, we wear pink confess our deepest, darkest, most embarrassing thoughts, obsessions and musings. 

So, today, I do hereby solemnly make this bold confession:

I'm declaring myself the best health blogger in the world.

Sure, I'm technically not a "health blogger" by definition, since I don't really have any credentials to speak of, I managed to gain back all 50 pounds I lost in high school in queso alone, I can frequently be found cheating on Mark West (only $8.49/bottle at Gary's in WRox, Boston peeps) with Ben and Jerry (mint chocolate cookie, please&ty), and I have no balance in my life to speak of, but none of that matters anymore.

I have conquered the healthy living blog world.

How, you might ask?

Isn't the answer obvious?!

Oats! 

I mean, how many times per day do you read a post that starts, "I knew my 10-mile fun run this morning would be a breeze, and I really motored through it with sub-8 minute miles, because I knew that afterward I could come home and eat the WORLD'S BEST BOWL OF OATS!" Seriously, in this community, oats are like gold.

GOLD, I TELL YOU!!!

Forget hot pink jellies, your dad's flannel, Pogs, JNCOs, Abercrombie and Uggs. A whole new standard of cool has been set; whoever can come up with the most innovative use for those wrinkly, dusty pellets of grain (rolled or steel-cut only; never instant, lest we kill ourselves with something from a ::gasp:: packet!) garners numerous page hits, umpteen comments and praise.

"OMG!" people cry by the hundreds, "I NEVER THOUGHT to add some oats to my SMOOTHIE!"

 "Oh yeah? Well I added oats to my OVEN-BAKED, ORGANIC, FREE-RANGE CHICKEN, bitch!"

I was left wondering what I could possibly make that could gain me access to this exclusive and elite clique. I mean, how to you top oven-baked, organic, free-range oaty chicken?!

And then it came to me:

CAITIE OATS

Seriously guys, I mean, I know I say this a lot, but for real this time: This is the BEST. BOWL. TUB. OF. OATS. EVER. And the health benefits --- OH, THE HEALTH BENEFITS! You just won't believe them. Fo' realzies.

FOR OATS:
1 medium canister of rolled oats
1 bathtub
1 body, wiggly bits examined and poked in the mirror
lukewarm water, to cover

FOR TOPPING:
1 jar colloidal oat relief cream

1. Take oats and dump into food processor.
2. Process until oats become EXTREMELY fine; you want them to basically become dust.
3. Fill bathtub with tepid water -- DO NOT heat to hot.
4. While water is running, dump 1 cup of ground outs under faucet. Stir to ensure no lumpy bits settle to the bottom.
5. Slowly submerge body into water, covering all available surface areas.
6. Consider topping body with cacao nibs, chocolate chips, nut butter, coconut, or organic toppings of choice.
6. Let body marinate until extremities begin to wrinkle.
7. Remove body from water, pat (don't rub!) dry.
8. Top body with oat/menthol mixture
9. Shiver uncontrollably in cold apartment air

Step 4:

Add oats to tepid water, stirring to avoid clumps like that one straight in the middle

Step 8:

Mmmm.... minty!

And VOILA! There you have it!  

Sure, you're freezing and you feel kind of slimy, but I'm telling you, guys, your skin will be SO SOFT! PLUS, your teeth will be chattering so hard and you'll be shivering, so you'll burn, like, a MILLION calories -- can we say BO-NUS?!? 

Oh and, you know, any weird patches of scaly, itchy skin you might have been experiencing beforehand will be miraculously gone. But that's kind of beside the point. 

Because oatmeal is SO. AWESOME!

Ok guys so....I promise that now that I'm in the club and stuff, my content totally won't change. I'm the same simple girl I always was, just trying to balance my life and share it with you, my humble, unassuming readers.

Now get me my Oaty Latte, and don't forget to sprinkle it with free granola...bitch!!