The Boob Tube, Part 2: I Can Get Behind That!

Yesterday, I posted about how depressing this weather has been, and how I have found solace in the arms of the most productive appliance I own: my television. "My programs", as I like to refer to them while ambling about my 1-bedroom apartment in my slippers and robe, peering over my glasses and mumbling to myself about the state of healthcare these days, are sometimes my only tether to "reality". The ones that I mentioned yesterday, though, are only the ones I actually sit down and make the time to watch when they air.

Quite frankly, I find this to be a major nuisance in this age of technology and the modern world. I don't want to have to schedule my tv time in like some commoner (I'm sorry, I just had a Kate Middleton moment). Which brings me to today's topic, which I consider to be the best invention ever, short of internet streaming (which, if you recall, is useless to me until Android lets me stream to my phone).

TV on DVD.

Best.

Thing.

Ever.

And so, for your procrastination/boredom-killing pleasure, I give you: 

Shows that I watch a season behind, because we don't have cable:
(note: if you want to discuss any of these, please take note of my convenient, "currently up to"  notes, as the only thing I hate more than spiders and thunder are Spoilers. Please and thank you!)

Dexter

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I'm really odd, but I personally think Dexter is kind of hot (you know, in a serial killer kind of way). Plus, there is this badass chick at my gym who always ends up ellipticalling next to me, and I swear she's a dead ringer for Deb. I don't want her to beat me up, so I watch her show. 
Currently up to: Through Season 4, meaning I've only seen up through John Lithgowe's season. So don't spoil it!

Mad Men

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A show that involves rampant sexism, men in suits, copious day drinking and women in dresses that hug curves like Jeff Gordon? Yes, please.
Currently up to: Just at the beginning of Season 4 now, which is the one before the last season that just aired.

Gossip Girl

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Three words: I'm Chuck Bass.
Currently up to: Through Season 3, which left Chuck in a foreign country and me incredibly aggravated.

Lie to Me

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Andrew and I started Netflixing Lie to Me after Angela posted about how much she and Eric were enjoying it. We both got sucked into the totally corny story lines, Tim Roth's spastic, tic-like movements, and studying each other's faces while playing Two Truths and a Lie. It turns out alcohol makes it HARDER, rather than easier (you didn't really think we would do that sober, did you?!).
Currently up to: The end of Season 2, which was the last full season.

Damages

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My coworker (the REAL B) suggested that we rent the first season, because apparently he saw a show that was high-stress, high-maintenance and possibly backstabbing and sneaky, and thought of me. Isn't he sweet? ("What do you MEAN this isn't Sarah, Plain and Tall???")
Currently up to: Through Season 2, which was the environmental corporate case. I haven't seen the most recent one, with Martin Short.

Fringe

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Sometimes, I long for the days when Dawson's Creek embodied my life on screen (who the f am I kidding; no, I don't) and Fringe allows me to get my Josh Jackson fix without feeling like a pervert for crushing on what was then a 16-year old or, even worse, watching D2: The Mighty Ducks for the 3,000th time. Also, I don't have to deal with that sniveling moron, James Van der Beek.
Currently up to: The first few episodes of Season 3, with the whole switch-age of the episodes every other one between... you know.

Jersey Shore

Gorilla juicehead wanted for GTL. Cab's heah! DTF in smoosh rm? No Grenades.
Currently up to: Who cares, there's no plot, just good, trashy fun.

And the rain, rain, rain came down, down down....

Well, that's it for today, kids. Don't forget to check out Part One for more of my favorite shows, should you find yourself marooned in the island of your apartment, ready to commit hara-kiri with a food processor if you have to cook one more healthy recipe to occupy yourself.

The Boob Tube: Part 1

I'm not sure where all of my readers live, but if your locale is experiencing anything like the weather we're enjoying here in New England, you have my most heartfelt pity.

Despite my massive love of horrible weather, even I draw the line at two solid weeks of gloomy, grey skies and drizzle. A roaring blizzard that dumps three feet of snow in under 48 hours? Sign me up. Yet another morning with the sound of splashing cars and that disgusting "glow" coming through my window? No, thank you.

I've never been the "outdoorsy type" anyway -- there was a time in my youth when my mother literally threatened to "burn my books" if I didn't get my ass outside to play (I informed her that book burning was frowned upon and, if she chose to do so, I would report her to the ACLU for a civil rights infraction. Then I enjoyed a delicious dessert of Dial). Something about being FORCED to be cooped up inside, however, drives me a bit berserk.

Thankfully, there is a saving grace: television.

One might assume that because we don't have cable or internet, we're stuck peering through neighbors' windows in an attempt to catch our weekly shows. However, due to some miracle of science, we actually DO get regular cable if we plug into our wall -- all four major networks, PBS, the CW and enough CatholicTV and Telemundo that I could probably become an honorary member of the Little Sisters of the Dominican if I wanted to.

So, since the rain isn't due to stop until at least Sunday, I thought I'd share my current favorite TV obsessions over the next few days, starting with the shows that I actually watch, WHEN THEY AIR, which is a real rarity. 

These are the shows I actually watch in real time:

Dancing With the Stars 
ABC, Mondays at 8pm

I think we've already established this, but this season, I've been pretty good about tuning in to DWTS, despite never actually following it before. It amazes me that those women can do all those fast moves and elegant turns in heels -- and look good doing it! -- and that the men are so graceful, all while emanating radiant confidence, poise and sex. Team Kirstie all the way, although Chelsea has done a lot to win me over these past few weeks! (Plus, any time we can see Maks sans shirt, I am not one to complain).

Castle 
ABC, Mondays at 10pm

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Move over Maks, because Nathan Fillion is the real sex on a stick. That hair. Those witty quips! The vest that says "Writer!" I love it all. I first tuned in when my former boss told me I'd love it -- it started out with me Netflixing Season 1, and Andrew was good enough to play along and watch with me. I expected it to be just another frivolous cop show: murders! intrigue! weird sexual innuendo! But while Castle is a lighthearted take on its big "police show" cousins, that doesn't make it bad. In fact, the writing is stellar, the cast gels like overnight oats, and Stana Katic and Nathan Fillion (Beckett and Castle, respectively) manage to portray a relationship that sizzles with chemistry yet doesn't leave me ready to throw my shoe through the screen if they don't just get together already (except that one time...but I digress).  

The Office
NBC, Thursdays at 9pm

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I resisted The Office for as long as I possibly could. I dated a real douche for a long time, and since he luuuuurved the hijinks of Dunder Mifflin Paper Co. and Co. sooooo much, I had to hate it on principle.  And then I met Andrew, and when he has downtime, he pops one of three things into the DVD player to relax: The Simpsons, Rocky IV, or The Office. At some point, I realized I was laughing, too -- and knew I was REALLY a fan when I realized that the only character I currently hate more than Jim and Pam is their spawn, CeCe. And maybe Gabe. I really hate Gabe.

30 Rock 
NBC, Thursdays at 10pm

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Simply said, 30 Rock is probably the funniest show no one I know is watching. Tina Fey is a comedic genius, both on-screen and in the writer's room (and I'm not just saying that because I just finished reading Bossypants and at one point had to consider investing in some Depends). The fact that I am at least 50% Liz Lemon nonwithstanding, the ensemble cast is one of the best ever compiled -- Tracy Morgan's "Tracy Jordan" and Alec Baldwin's "Jack Donaghey" alone are worth tuning in. "Kenneth the Page" is my favorite character, though... last season's finale, where he gets fired and goes on a drunken tirade, is my favorite moment: "Kiss my face and I'll see you in heaven!" manages to work its way into my lexicon at least once a week.

Well, there you have it. All four shows that I actually make the time to sit down and watch.  I also watch a lot of sporting events when I get the chance, namely anything having to do with the Bruins for the past two months or so.In the event I cannot get to a bar to watch said games, we have resorted to pretending we live in 1940, and listen to the radio.

Have you ever listened to playoff hockey on the radio?!

If you have any kind of heart issue, I suggest you don't.

Stay tuned!
Up next: Shows I Am At Least a Season Behind On But Watch Anyway

Friday Confessional: Shake That

Ok, let's cut to the chase. It's Friday. On Fridays, we wear pink confess our deepest, darkest, most embarrassing thoughts, obsessions and musings. 
 
So, without further ado, I do hereby confess:

 I've been shakin' it

Shake it, sh-shake it...

EVERY SINGLE YEAR I make the same vow to myself: I will 100%, absolutely, no way in hell, become involved with any reality TV competition shows. This year, I finally managed to tear myself out of my dysfunctional relationship with The Biggest Loser.... only to wind up sucked in to not only American Idol, but also Dancing With the Stars.

I was once involved in a passionate affair with AI -- I religiously tuned in and voted from seasons Ruben-David Cook. Then I broke up with it the next season, out of the blue, because it just wasn't working for me anymore. It was a whole, "it's not you; it's me" scenario, and by "it's me" I totally meant, "It's Kara DioGuardi".

Despite being in its 12th season, though, DWTS was never on my radar. Perhaps it was because my 87-year old grandfather thought it was the second-best show on television, right after CatholicTV, but I just never had any interest in it. And then, one fateful Monday night late last fall, I came home from a class around 9:30 and tuned into ABC, patiently waiting for Castle to come on.

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One waltz later, I was hooked. And, despite my vehement declaration that I wouldn't be, I'm hooked again this season. #Damn.

Last year, I didn't really give a rat's heiny who won -- but this year, I have a definite favorite, and I don't care whether or not they're actually the best dancers; I love the star for reasons that reach far beyond the dance floor. Kirstie and Maks were two of the first people I started following on Twitter. Not just because Maks is rather droolworthy with abs of steel, but because as a kid, I was desperately on a mission to obtain Kirstie's fab head o' hair. I probably funded half of Pantene's stock options solely with the amount of their product I used to lather all over my head.

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Kirstie is, in short, my girl. But her hair isn't the only reason I admire her.

I'm talking, of course, about the issue of her weight, which I never really thought of as "an issue," but, judging by some of the vicious comments that are being made on comment forums and tv shows around the world, it has become one. Apparently some of the American public and some stupid late-night comedians think it's just totally ok to malign a woman for not being ashamed of herself for her extra fluff, and not letting them stop her from participating in something fun and good for her, and oh, btw, might even cause her to drop a couple pounds.

Because, you know, if you're overweight, you obviously deserve to be hidden away in a back room somewhere, and God forbid you do something enjoyable. Because you're barely human and don't deserve to feel alive, or good about yourself, or participate in anything that thinner people do. Heavens, no.

Seriously. Grow up.

Note to all you asshats out there pouncing on Kirstie's weight and using it in your jokes: YOU ARE THE REASON that people who want to get in shape are afraid to hit the gym/streets, and YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES far more than they should be.

As a self-conscious, overweight woman, I can tell you that a large part of the reason I gained so much weight in college was because I was embarrassed that I had let myself get to that point, and I was terrified that if I went to the gym, or even went for a run on the street, people would make fun of me. Or worse, they would pity me; "Poor fat girl", they'd say to their companions, a hint of sympathy and concern in their voices, "honey, if you'd only put the cheeseburgers down and exercise some self-restraint, you wouldn't be red-faced and ready to die after two blocks at 4 mph."

I voiced my concerns and insecurities to a few close, trusted people, and I almost inevitably received the stock answer: "It's all in your head; no one is looking at you." I WANTED to believe them, but my eyes and ears were telling me otherwise -- people whom I thought of as "friends" would comment on overweight joggers; "OMG, if I were that huge, I'd NEVER be out running on the street; I'd kill myself!" is a real direct quote from someone I used to count among my friends. "Wow, should that lady REALLY be eating that donut? Maybe she should try a salad" was a frequent refrain. Not to mention, of course, the barrage of insults and fat jokes that are made every day in the media; George Lopez is not the first, nor will he be the last, to hurl them.

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Oddly enough, though, those people's voices always sounded suspiciously like my own, echoing throughout my head to the point that they were all I heard. So, instead of hitting the gym, or going for a simple walk, I would hide myself under baggy clothes, break out the Double Stuf Oreos and settle into my dark dorm room and a marathon of Law and Order: SVU. Wasn't that what a fat girl was supposed to do?

When her phone call came, Kirstie could have taken the same road. She easily could have said, "Oh, you know, I'd love to do Dancing With the Stars -- and as soon as I lose 25 lbs, I'll do it, but right now I just can't...people might make fun of me." Because she's a strong woman, though, she didn't; she told her naysayers to eff off, decided NOT to wait for some arbitrary day when she's "good enough" and to LIVE HER LIFE RIGHT NOW.

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And because she did, I found the confidence to go and, for the first time, really let go at Zumba on Tuesday night. Honestly? I probably was one of the biggest girls there. Yet when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I didn't see the lithe, tight-bodied former dance team members around me.

I saw a girl having a fabulous time, burning over 550 calories in 45 minutes and shaking her size 14 ass like Shakira.

A-ooooooo!!!!

Thanks, Kirstie.