Special Thursday Confessional: Letters to a Colleague From an Obsessed Fangirl

"You know we fought a WAR and dumped a bunch of tea in our harbor so that we DIDN'T have to watch this rash, right??"

Over the past two weeks, this has been an oft-repeated sentiment in the Caitie Experiment household. Andrew, it seems, is not amused by my lingering teeny-bopper ways, and is just about ready to book me a one-way ticket to London. Because, you see..

No shame in my game:

What do you mean normal people don't bring a tiara to the beach?!

  I have Royal Wedding fever. 

To be fair, I'm not some bandwagon Royal Watcher -- I've had a thing for Prince William Arthur Philip Louis Mountbatten-Windsor of Wales since I was eleven (and, you know, committed that name to memory so that, when this day came, I wouldn't have to resort to the interwebz to find it). It's funny, really; I've had no less than six (SIX!) texts and facebook messages from friends who have known me forever, all of whom have expressed variations on the sentiment of, "omg, I knew you would be totally excited -- you had the BIGGEST CRUSH on William when we were little!!!"

Um, duh. That was before the whole "I lost all my hair and somehow puberty robbed me of my mother's fabulous good looks and turned me into a clone of my father" phase.

Such potential. Swoon.

But I digress.

You know what? I'm sick of people trying to rain on my parade just because for once, I am not focusing all of my energy into the negative, horrible things happening in the world. And I'm sick of people going on and on about how it's poor form and a disgrace that we are building this wedding up to epic proportions and "setting the women's rights movement back decades" by "indulging the 'Princess Fantasy.'"

I UNDERSTAND that there are people suffering all over the world, and that natural disasters are piling up at an alarming rate (Alabama and the rest of the South, I love you and God bless). And I GET that it's unfair to ask the taxpayers of Great Britain to foot the security costs for this whole big shebang.

But that won't stop me from waking up at 5 am tomorrow morning so that I can tune in and spend three hours mindlessly ooo-ing and awww-ing over the nuptials of two people I don't know. I've dreamed about this day since I was a little girl (ok, maybe I pictured myself, instead of Kate Middleton.) As for the Princess thing -- look: Kate Middleton, from everything I've read about her over the past eight years, is a strong, independent woman who has managed to keep her autonomy while dating, arguably, the world's most eligible bachelor. She is educated, worldly, beautiful and charitable (and has the best hair in the entire world). So she happens to be marrying a prince, thereby making her a princess. Why should she be punished for that, simply because of "some title?" 


As you might guess, I am not the only one of my friends who feels this way, and the Royal Wedding has dominated many a conversation these past few...months. Here, for example, is a sampling of email discussions held between colleagues and myself (off the clock, of course):
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To: Wedding Obsessed Colleague
From: Caitie Wannabe Mountbatten-Windsor

OMG SO. AM. I. Like, seriously, I’m moderately embarrassed by my love of all things Wills-and-Kate. I was going nuts last Friday, all, “OMG ONE MORE WEEK! THE ROYAL WEDDING IS NEXT FRIDAY!” to which Andrew’s mom went, “Um, isn’t your CONFIRMATION next Friday?”

“Oh… uh, yeah, I guess that too. I wonder how she’ll do her hair….”

I kind of hate Pippa and Carole Middleton. They’re blatantly social climbing by urging people to “have a traditional street party to celebrate the coming of Spring!” on their business website. Because everyone has a street party at 8am on the day the Crown Prince happens to be getting married. Duh.

Over-under on how many drinks Harry slams before the toast: 6.

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To: Caitie Wannabe Mountbatten-WindsorFrom: Wedding Obsessed Colleague

Congrats on the upcoming Confirmation, Caitlin! I can only hope it doesn’t interfere with the Royal Events! Hehe.

Yeah… throw your own spring party because you’re not cool enough to be invited to the Royal Wedding. Haha.  Kate is clearly the top Middleton. Also, she has the best hair. Of anyone in England. Or in the world. I have serious hair envy.

Oh, Harry’s going to be waaaasted. P.S. Rumor has it that Chelsy Davy is wearing two dresses – one for the ceremony and one for the reception.

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To: Wedding Obsessed Colleague
From: Caitie Wannabe Mountbatten-Windsor

Thank you! And don’t worry, if anything, I’m hoping my Confirmation doesn’t interfere with the Royal Events! And you, with your marriage certificate; so exciting and such a cute coincidence to tell the children!

I can’t even discuss Kate’s hair. Katie, did you hear me ARGUING with Adam over how gorgeous she is?! He said she’s too “Boston-looking with potential for horseface.” Um, I was born here, and if Kate is “Boston-looking,” then I want to have a word with the big Man upstairs, Mayor Menino and the entire delivery staff over at the Brigham, because something just ain’t right.

I both love and hate Chelsy Davy for a myriad of reasons, one of which being the lack of “e”s where they should be in her name. But props to her for the two dresses. Will there be a third dress for reception #3? Also, do you think the hoopla will turn her TO or AWAY from Harry, since the rumor is that she doesn’t want to marry him because of all the drama that comes from being part of the royal family??

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To: Caitie Wannabe Mountbatten-Windsor
From: Wedding Obsessed Colleague

I enjoy the coincidence that you are being confirmed Catholic on the same day that Wills takes his Princess. It’s like you and Wills both just gave up on each other. I mean, you would have converted for him, right? ;)  

Potential for horseface? What!? He can’t be serious. Have you shown Adam a picture of Pippa, so he can compare?

I agree. Chelsy Davy could use a few more “e”s. I think Chelsy and Harry will get back together in some sort of drunken royal hook up. She’s been around too long, and it would be too difficult for Harry to find someone else at this point in time.
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My favorite part of this exchange is definitely this part:

I enjoy the coincidence that you are being confirmed Catholic on the same day that Wills takes his Princess. It’s like you and Wills both just gave up on each other. I mean, you would have converted for him, right? ;) 

My response was: "Of course not. I would have been the woman to single-handedly bring the Royals back to the Vatican. Anne Boleyn ain't got nothin' on me (especially, you know, a head)."

So yes, I DID stop drinking coffee this morning after a single cup. And I WILL be going to bed early, so that I can wake up at 5:00am. And I WON'T be ashamed of it, NOR will I let those sippin' on the Haterade harsh my Royal Wedding buzz.

And if someone has a problem with it? TOUGH! :)

For the record, I have a supply of 7th grade notes and printed IMs (don't pretend you didn't do that, too) in which I put forth my ideal plan, which was to either "become PW's woman-on-the-side (worked for Camilla, didn't it?!) or to say eff it all and marry Harry, because he was the real hot one anyway". I've always had a thing for gingers.